I noticed that I don’t talk too much about my life on here just yet. As I sit here drinking tonight, maybe it’s the alcohol wanting to write, but I wanted to spill my guts out to my readers. This is to all of my readers who are thinking of taking their own life. To be honest, I have been there. Life can reach into the lowest valleys and you feel that there won’t be an end. I hear you, seriously, this life is hard. I feel that I have had my heart ripped out thousands of times and yet I still give it out willingly. The enemy, recently too, had me wrapped around his pinky of hate so tightly that I was even thinking of how I would end it all. I thought since I had life insurance that my husband and son would be set long enough until my husband could figure out how to live life without me. I was so discouraged, the decision on moving to California from New Hampshire last summer I was for sure was right. When we got here it was such a rocky start though; all the plans that we had had fallen flat. We were supposed to live with a family member so we could get help with going to school and paying off debt. We had a falling out with that family member and it forced us to get a place of our own that pushed us farther into debt.
I felt like this whole scenario was my fault because I thought it would benefit us greatly to move to Cali. Even though it was both of our decisions to move here, it was definitely my doing of persuading my husband to get his yes vote. I was for sure it was going to be a slam dunk; but, isn’t that when the biggest disappointments hit? When we are so sure that everything is going to work in our favor just to be hit in the face with a big NO. What do we do when we reach the bottom? I embraced it, I sucked in all of the emotions and I held tight to what I KNEW not what I FELT. I knew that I was strong enough to get through this and that I wasn’t going to let what seemed like a mistake to define me. I worked harder at work (which my job is a huge blessing), and turned that feeling of failure to drive me to be successful. It did not happen over night, there were nights when I was for sure that my marriage was over. We would take it out on each other, all of our hurt and anger of our current situation. Instead of working through it together we would sometimes work against each other it felt like; but, I believe that happens in all marriages. It is what you decide to do after the storm that passes that defines if you are going to make it or not. Are you going to pick up the debris and build a house with it or are you going to sulk at the mess, leave it and go find a house on another island? There are going to be problems on that other island also, hurricanes happen everywhere, they are inevitable.
I chose to pick up the debris, I KNEW that this wasn’t going to define me and it wasn’t going to define my marriage. I KNEW and hoped that there were going to be better days, and that those days depended on what I did today. Do I keep letting these feelings and thoughts of giving up rule my life? NO, I am in charge and I am in control. I rebuked the enemy out of my life and out of my marriage. The one thing that drove me most is thinking of how I grew up in a very split household, both my parents going through 3 marriages. I did not want the same thing for my son, I think I would consider murder before I considered divorcing my husband to ensure that my son wouldn’t endure what I had to growing up 😉
Where we are now: Though we are still living in a one bedroom apartment, sharing a room with my son, sleeping on an air mattress, not having enough room for a couch and still pretty heavy in debt. I know that our situation is temporary, I am sharing this story now because we are about to have a breakthrough. We are now able to have dual incomes when before only I was working. I also know that our situation is not as bad as I feel it is. There are millions of people in the world who don’t have a roof over their head, don’t know where their next meal is coming from and fear of making it another day. Thankfully we are no where close to that, and I do pray for those people. This leads me into my suggestions of how to get through those days where you want to give up:
- First of all…don’t: Even if you feel like you are alone, you are not. Even if it is the most distant relative that is still living or the clerk at the local gas station, there is someone in your life that cares about you. If you are reading this, I care about you, and I am praying for you.
- Make a list of your blessings: This helps me greatly because it makes me switch my focus from the bad to the good. Some days this was all that I needed to get my head out of the gutter.
- Volunteer to help the needy: Believe it or not there are people who are even in more need than you are. Volunteering somewhere where you can see this will help you to gain perspective of others that are around you and that you aren’t the only person in need.
- Keep yourself busy: Idle hands are the devil’s playground. Back in high school I felt like the students who suffered with depression issues were mos likely the ones who weren’t involved in sports, clubs or any social groups. When you are alone with your thoughts with no support I believe that is a very dangerous recipe. Keep yourself busy to occupy your mind on the positive rather than where it tends to go to naturally.
- Tell someone: We all need support, no matter the situation it is nice to just have someone there. Even if no words are exchanged, I think it is the best feeling in the world knowing that you are not alone.
Life is compared to a mountain, a mountain has lows and it has highs, there are no flat mountains, your life is not going to be entirely flat. Get up, keep going, and don’t let your thoughts win. Try to not let your life just pass you by, if you have tried before, try again.