I had my first embryo transfer at the end of this past August, I found out only 12 days later that the transfer was not successful. I was in complete shock at first when I heard my doctor’s voice on the phone sharing the news. I told him that I didn’t believe him that I was having pregnancy symptoms that were identical to when I was pregnant with my son. Since I went into a nearby clinic for my blood to be drawn for the first pregnancy test, he wanted to make sure and asked for me to drive to his office so his phlebotomist can do the blood withdraw. I showed up as soon as the office opened the next day and received another phone call that afternoon with the same results. For the next week I went through a lot of emotions starting with self blame, I was mad at my own body for not making this pregnancy happen.
I came to the conclusion though that it just wasn’t meant to be, I did everything I was supposed to with the self injections, medications, vitamins, diet and restrictions. It just amazed me that the transfer wasn’t successful because I know I am fertile, healthy and it only took one try for our son to be conceived. Also, every ultrasound visit I had with the IVF doctor was flawless, everything that needed to happen happened and the doctor would tell me how well my body was doing with all of that was being put into it. So why didn’t it work?
On the phone with the doctor with the second results of the pregnancy test, I asked him what the grade of the embryo was(they are graded on an ABC scale, with A being the best), and he said it was grade A. With everything going as smooth as it did from all aspects, it really was just not supposed to happen. I then was given some closure when the phlebotomist told me that each embryo transferred has a 50/50 chance. That’s why a lot of times surrogates end up pregnant with twins because the IVF doctor likes to transfer at least 2 embryos to have a better success rate. But there was only one A grade male embryo from the retrievals and the intended parents had their hearts set on having a boy.
After receiving the news of the failed transfer, I immediately emailed my intended parents to share my condolences. That I wish there was more that I could do or could have done but honestly I did all that I could have.
I wanted to make something for my intended parents, something they could hold on to, to remember this baby by. After brainstorming I collected all that I had during this surrogate process and printed out a poem and arranged it all in a shadow box:
I was very happy with how it turned out, I received an email from them as soon as they received it and they were very thankful and touched by my gift. After a couple of weeks I emailed them sharing that if they were willing that I was more than happy to go through with another transfer. They thanked me for my willingness and wrote that they are still deciding if they want to do another transfer or not. It’s been 3 months since then and I finally received word from them mid last week that they are still deciding but that it doesn’t look hopeful. The donor they were using isn’t so inclined to do another transfer and they don’t want to use anyone else. There are female embryos available but they really wanted to even the boys and girls in their household. They have until March for there to be a viable pregnancy, if that doesn’t happen then the contract expires unless all parties agree to extend the contract. It takes about 1 month preparation for everything before the transfer and then about 1 month after for a confirmation of pregnancy, so I should know for sure by January if we’re going to try again. I really hope they do decide for another transfer, the parents were wonderful and we get along very well. In my surrogate support groups I would hear other surrogates’ stories of how their intended parents are international and do not speak English so all of the pre-natal checkups are awkward, especially if there isn’t an interpreter. I also heard another horror story of an intended mother living in a different country and when the baby was born she left the United States with the baby without completing the rest of the payments for the surrogate, thankfully she did pay the remaining balance on the last day though. Hearing all of the stories that I had made me very thankful for who I was matched with.
I have yet to decide, though, if these current parents decline another transfer if I want to open my contract up to new parents or not. I didn’t realize how connected I would feel with the parents when I started this journey. It really is an emotional roller coaster, the anticipation starts when the inject able medication starts because then there is a count down to transfer day. Then each check up appointment to check on the uterine lining and hormone levels also adds to that anticipation because you see your body progressing and getting ready to accept their baby. The day of the transfer is just filled with jitters and excitement, it’s a good thing they give you Valium for your body to calm down before. The following days after the transfer are a slow torture wondering if it was successful or not. Then the day comes for the results and you can either receive the most beautiful news that soon there will be a baby or the most tragic news that there won’t be.
For now I am enjoying the holidays, praying about my decision and waiting for the intended parents to get back to me, I really hope that they choose the female embryos; I think that they are meant to raise more beautiful women to be in this world. I will keep you all updated for what happens next, stay tuned and thank you for reading! 🙂